Approach Anxiety

I too have struggled with ways to conquer approach anxiety once and for all...

I've found that approach anxiety is a symptom of something much deeper that's pervasive throughout every aspect of our lives; fear.

We're afraid to raise our hands in class or make a suggestion to our boss at work or tell our friend or relative that they're being a dumbass.

So to expand a bit on the topic at hand - we've spent most of our lives building up a habit of AVOIDANCE. Avoid 'uncomfortable' situations. Avoid 'mistakes'.

Instead, we need to be APPROACHING uncomfortable situations. We need to be APPROACHING learning opportunities.

In order to put ourselves out there like this on a CONSISTENT basis across EVERY domain of our lives, we need to first have a solid sense of self so that we don't have to continually engage in self-doubt like the rest of the avoidant world. However, we must also be open to GROW and LEARN from our experiences.

The reason AA always comes back is because we step out of the club and back into school and work and our apartments and we go right back to avoiding.

I've found that whenever I go a day completely without inhibitions - completely without avoidance, then approaching girls with the same gusto is just an afterthought.

Pointers on Flying Solo

If you're going out alone, here are some pointers


[*] Arrive EARLY, bullshit with the security, get to know them briefly, talk about the club and good club nights and the city and being security and the weather, the girls, etc.


[*] Get to know the bartender. Tip them $5 or $10 and tell them you're going to be coming to them for water all night but you want it to look like a drink so you can act drunk and be taken advantage of by the ladies. (meaning add garnish/straws)


[*] Meet the promoters, same talk as security. Tell them you're a regular clubber and you scope out clubs for you and your friends to come to and you'd love to be on the list - get their phone number.


[*] Here's a ZINGER: many times the HGVs will be there early because they are very good friends with the promoters. MEET THEM. They are the super-hotties. Go introduce yourself, cheers them with your water, compliment their outfits and roll off and talk to another security guard about how cute those chicks are.


[*] The club will start filling up - game on. You already know everyone there is to know in the venue. You're the man, this is your party. BRING THE PARTY to everyone. Give value. Work the room doing short-set method (cheers, high fives, 'Hey!/smile', etc: open high energy/eject)


[*] Now go back around re-open making brief statements and having brief interactions. The club is yours, you are lording, you have your choice of the ladies of the realm. Enjoy.


As you go back week after week you will meet other regular clubbers like yourself. They will be your new 'social circle' in the club - just a group of ppl u regularly bullshit with when you go out. After one week you will no longer be 'flying solo' because the staff/security are your friends - goof off with them, have fun. After a couple weeks the regulars in the club are your friends too.

Congratulations, you've learned the art of lording a nightclub.

"ATTRACTION... Finally Nailed It"

This is a post made by someone else, I think this captures the essence of Attraction very concisely. Enjoy

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Attraction...

I've been trying to write about attraction for a while and I've been having a hard time.

There are a MILLION things that go into what makes up attraction. a MILLION.

Speaking of a million, let me tell you a funny story.

I'm in the club, and somehow I manage to be HAMMERED drunk. Like seriously, I forgot half the night. I HATE when I get like that. Sure, sometimes I drink and I like to party but I ALWAYS want to remember what happened. Apparently I left my panties at home that night and wore some dungarees because I was balls-to-the-wall SAVAGE. Here's what I've pieced together, and I remember about 2/3rds of this.

I see a girl talking to some dude. Apparently they are together, as in boyfriend/girlfriend. Yeah.

I walk up, I gently yet firmly turn the girl around to face me, I have a half-smile on my face and I extend my arm to encompass her into my bubble and bring her under my wing. I walk away a few steps with her, smiling the whole way, holding strong eye contact. She sees my nimbus and she can't look away. She literally CAN NOT look away. She's in my world now, nothing else exists.

We start to talk, we're vibing. She smiles, we laugh, it's ON. It's ALWAYS on.

Suddenly, some dude is there on her other side trying to pull her away. I still have a smile on my face as I give him a look like he's retarded and pull her back towards me. Without warning that dude magically splits into a total of 4 dudes + one short midget-like guy who seems to be their leader. I let go of the girl and look at him with a self-amused smile. The midget-leader goes:

"BET you won't do that again."
I think to myself: Betting! I love to gamble. My smile grows from a half smile to a 3/4 smile.
"Bet a million!" I say
"Huh? Bet..."
"Bet a MILLION!"
"BET you won't do that again."
"I'll do it again for a MILLION!"
I have my hand partially held out to shake for a bet, but below my waist, confident and nonthreatening, and non-THREATENED. I'm holding eye contact, ready to play. He had to think I was crazy. He backs up a couple steps towards his friends while keeping his eyes on me

I understand they're looking for a fight.

I look at them, my chest is fully exposed, absolutely fearless, my smiles turns feral and predatory as I size them up. I just went to the gym that day and my back was sore from so many pullups. My testosterone is pumping, my senses are heightened. I feel ready, I feel prepared. I feel like I can take all of them. Each one looks visibly unsure of themselves as I look at each of them in turn. They understand. I'm Alpha.

Just then my friend turns around, ready to fight. The HUGE security guard who I'm super-cool with shows up. They've got my back. My smile grows. I tell them it's cool. I tell everyone it's cool. They back off. Situation diffused. I see the midget-leader later that night and I give him my half smile and shrug as if to say "hey, life's crazy".

Later I ask my friends: what happened? Why the hell were they beefin?

They tell me. Dude, don't you remember? You took his girl right in front of him.

Then i think to myself... wow. That dude was LITERALLY not in my reality at ALL. Like, all I remember is standing there talking to a girl I just pulled over to me and some random guy comes up and starts beefin with me. What the fuck?

I think that's what it is. I think that's what Attraction is.

Attraction is living in your own reality - a GREAT reality - and a reality that others can't help but be drawn into. It's like Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, you just don't want to leave.

Cultivate that reality within yourself. Reality is perception. Interpret the world as you see fit and truly believe. 100% Belief in yourself. Not 92% belief. 100% belief. Live in a world of self-amusement where bad-reactions simply do not exist.

Ever wonder why you have so much fun when you're drunk? It's because that social filter that blocks out all of your impulses is removed. Granted you have to come from the right place internally, but most of you reading this are pretty well-centered people. Don't worry so much about that.

Worry about being yourself unapologetically. Expressing yourself. Putting your personality on the line and laughing off whatever happens as a result. LAUGH IT OFF. It's no big deal.

That's it. That's it right there.

THAT is attraction; living in your own reality and enjoying everything that adds to it by reacting to it. YOU are the rock making a splash in the pond. YOU make the ripples. If someone else throws a rock, you throw a bigger rock. Your belief is stronger. 100%.

This is YOUR world.

THAT is attraction.

cheers my dear friends cheers!
West

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There you have it folks.

Being the Alpha Male

Being the Alpha Male

What does it mean to be the Alpha Male?

For me, this means answering the phone when people call. This means listening to people, connecting with them, being empathetic, understanding, giving feedback and input. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, “why the hell are they telling me this?” And then I remember, “Oh yeah, I’m the Alpha”

Being the Alpha means deciding what *I* want to do and doing it. This means considering all options and making a fucking decision. It also means changing my mind when necessary. This means trusting myself to handle situations. This means having FAITH in myself, not BECAUSE other people do, but in light of the fact that people do.

To me, being the Alpha Male means having the balls to address other alphas; stepping out of my comfort zone and offering the olive branch or the sword. In the end I don’t give a FUCK if you’re bigger than me I will fight to the fucking hilt to protect me and mine. Leader of men. Protector of loved ones. Dominating. Sticking out my chest, shoulders back, head high, chin down – don’t be arrogant, look people in the face, strong eye contact, big smile. Life’s a party.

It’s also important to realize that different people lead in different situations. Leadership doesn’t necessarily mean Alpha. As the Alpha Male, it’s important to recognize when it’s time for others to lead. In fact, it’s necessary – you can’t lead ALL the time, unless you want to die young. It’s too demanding and draining. Delegating is a part of being the Alpha, and that goes hand in hand with recognizing others’ value and letting them shine in their areas of expertise.

It’s also important to realize that you’re dominant, but you don’t TRY.

Trying to dominate everyone is beta, not alpha. Dominating is simply who you are, you’re unafraid and confident. Being the Alpha Male means understanding that there are OTHER Alpha Males. I say "The" Alpha, but there are tons of Alpha Males in the world, and I'm friends with some of them. Alpha Males can come together in alliance and do great things. Be assertive, feel people out, but don’t try to dominate others simply for the sake of dominating. Don’t be an asshole.

Being the Alpha Male means putting myself out there. Putting my personality on the line time and time again. And BELIEVING. It takes 100% belief to do the impossible. “If anyone can do it, it’s me.”


When you’re the Alpha Male, people will seek your approval. People will give you things, make offerings to you. Don’t turn these down. In this book I read, this young courageous Prince felt… bashful, embarrassed I supposed, to be receiving gifts from the people of his realm. His advisor, who was the advisor to his father, told him, “you’re their Prince! Let them treat you as such. They want to give you these things, to turn it down would be the greatest insult to their honor.” An honest thank you will do.

Do NOT let this go to your head.

Remain humble, but understand your ROLE. KNOW YOUR FUCKING ROLE. You are the Alpha, but you are still a cog in the wheel. Nothing works without your people – a chief is nothing without his Indians. Do not feel that you are valuable and others are not simply because you’re the Alpha.

Being the Alpha Male means understanding that everyone has value. It means recognizing that value and facilitating it. It means allowing everyone to SHINE.


Sometimes it means taking people out of their comfort zone. This is what you do, you’re the Alpha Male. They trust that you’ll get them thru it, that it’s in their best interest.

That’s what it’s about in the end – Trust. Being the Alpha Male means being responsible, but at the same time throwing caution and responsibility to the wind. It’s a fun little paradox. You GOT here by being the type of guy that doesn’t give a fuck and lives his own life, and now others trust you to lead them. It’s easy to start giving a fuck.

Don’t.

The key is to simply BE. Be you, all the time. The self is always shining through, so don’t try and block the sun. Don’t TRY to be the leader, because that’s exactly how you fail at it. Don’t always tell people what to do, instead tell them your experience, tell them what you’ve learned, tell them about YOU. Speak in the “I” perspective, not the “You” perspective. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Instead, just live. You’re a guy with standards and rules, and you don’t violate them for anyone. You speak up, you put it out there.

You are not to be walked on.

You don’t tolerate insolence. You don’t tolerate poor behavior. But nor are you the police. Your attention, your presence, YOU are the gift. To quote a wise man named Chariot, YOU are the hero in this story, YOU are the shiny golden treasure. You punish people by taking away that treasure. I saw it on a movie somewhere, but they said that there’s nothing worse in this world than being ignored, and truer words have never been spoken.

You are dominant, this is your reality. You invite others to live in it. Yet it’s of the utmost importance to LISTEN. It’s easy to keep dominating and keep dominating, but many times it’s important to just sit back and LISTEN. People are trying to tell you things and you need to hear them. Don’t judge it, don’t try and be RIGHT and them being WRONG. That’s your ego creeping in, let it go. Let them talk, give it a listen.


Many times I catch myself thinking, “this person has no clue, this person is trapped, this person has nothing but limiting beliefs,” etc. All that may be true, but it’s important to CUT THAT SHIT OUT and just LISTEN.

Sure, take it with a grain of salt, but I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve gained some really deep insights by finding an underlying message that might be hidden within whatever self-limiting bullshit someone is spouting to me. Yeah, this person might be stifling themselves with limiting beliefs, but they hold these beliefs for a REASON. Find out what that reason is, find out what the underlying ‘rule’ is that’s guiding this behavior, you’ll learn something new.

Remember, everyone has value. Find it, appreciate it, and give them some of your value.

The world is yours for the taking. YOU are the bottom line. The sky isn’t blue unless you say it is. This is FAITH. This is 100% BELIEF. Never be timid. Say things with conviction. Believe in yourself. Believe in others. I’ve got a laundry list of things I’ve done that I thought were impossible. Spend enough time around me and you know that if you use the word “can’t” you get a slap on the wrist. That’s one of my rules – don’t tell me anyone ‘can’t’ do anything. Impossible is nothing. FAITH. 100% BELIEF.


That's what Yoda taught Luke, that's what Morpheus taught Neo. That's what every hero has to learn.


That’s what it means to be the Alpha Male. You live in your world. You recognize the value in others, you let them SHINE. You’re a guy with standards and rules. You put yourself out there, and you do it with 100% belief. You know your role, you accept it, and you play it to perfection. You are the Alpha Male. You are the bottom line.

This is YOUR world. Enjoy it;)

cheers
Confidant

SCIENCE: Published work re: social constructs and inner/outer game

I'm reading a scientific article on personality written by two prominent researchers at the Institute of Personality and Social Research in Berkeley, California. Here's the quote for you:

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"Socioanalytic theory (Hogan, 1996) focuses on the social functions of self- and other-perceptions. According to Hogan, trait concepts serve as the "linguistic tools of observers" (p. 172) used to encode and communicate reputations

This view implies that traits are socially constructed to serve interpersonal functions.

Because trait terms are fundamentally about reputation, individuals who self-report their traits engage in a symbolic-interactionist process of introspection (i.e., the individual considers how others view him or her). Hogan emphasizes that individuals may distort their self-reports with self-presentational strategies; another source of distortion are self-deceptive biases (cf. Paulhus & John, 1998) which do not reflect deliberate impression management but honestly held, though biased, beliefs about the self."

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I post this to illustrate scientific research on the topic of inner/outer game correlations.

Basically they're saying that the language/words we use to describe people's personality traits is madeup entirely to describe our social behavior.

The idea we preach here is basically to get your inner game tight (self-deceptive bias... also known as "delusional self-confidence", "core confidence", etc) and then to go out there and get experience in the field giving value such that our outer game reflects our inner feelings of ourself.

They measure this stuff two ways: 1) is self-reports (inner game) and 2) is peer-reports (outer game). At some point, the two will matchup, and you are achieving self-actualization.

cheers mates,
Confidant

There Are NO Rules

"There is no spoon."

That scene in the Matrix is such a good one. The kid explains it so simply, yet it's still so difficult to grasp. Don't try to bend the spoon, that's impossible. Instead try to realize the underlying truth: there is no spoon.

All of these social rules are completely made up. They don't EXIST.

I got a great question from a guy, here's the Q/A:

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"Hey Confidant, I've been keeping track of your posts man--you truly are an inspiration. I did have a question for you however. You used the apocalypse opener [note: apocalypse opener can be found on rsdnation.com by doing a search] on that girl, but you knew her from before. Do you think it would work on a girl that you *just* met, as in just walked up to?"
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Let me respond to that with a resounding YES.

In fact, the effect would be exponentially more powerful. I did it on the phone with a chick last night that I'd just met and she was ready to come over immediately.

The only times I've ever had seriously hardcore bad reactions (i.e. slap/cussed out) was when I walked up to girls I already KNEW and did outlandish things.

Now, over the course of a couple months I did probably 10 EXTREMELY outlandish off the wall things that would make you shit your pants. NEVER bad reactions until I did it to a couple of girls I knew who also happened to be alpha females.

The thing about girls you already know is that there is PRECEDENCE for behavior, they have certain expectations from you.

To put it another way, you've already got LIMITATIONS with them.

But a girl you've JUST met, there are no limitations, no expectations. YOU set the tone, YOU are the bottom line. It's only as awkward as you make it. If you act like everything is cool, normal, and 'no big deal', she will too. Especially if you're being discrete.

In other words, in a one on one interaction with a girl you just met, there are NO rules.

cheers,
Confidant

p.s. Apocalypse opener is basically just asking them if they want to come back to your place, but I highly suggest heading to RSDNation.com and reading the entire post about it by Ciaran.

Don't You Know There's A War On? by Ciaran

This is another re-post by a guy named Ciaran, an employee with RSD who can be found at realsocialdynamics.com, this was posted on RSDNation.com. This post reflects my own philosophies and work ethic. Note: all endorsements are his alone.

Enjoy.

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Ciaran
RSD Staff Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Edinburgh
Posts: 401

Don't You Know There's A War On?

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You go out at LEAST 3 nights a week, and NO MORE than 5 nights a week.

You approach 5 girls per night, open, then hang in there and escalate in whatever way you can until you get blown out.

After your 5 are done you can do more if you want to, if you're in state or if you're just feeling keen.

But you ABSOLUTELY have to approach 5 chicks. And yes, a group of 5 girls still just counts as ONE approach.

You do 5 approaches a night.

Unless you pull, obviously.

Each approach you play TO THE WIRE. You do not do 'trial approaches.' You play that shit out until you get blown out.

You do not number close.

Yes, you heard me. You cannot fuck a phone number, so you don't fucking take them until AFTER you've fucked a girl.

You do not have a wingman.

Yes, you heard me. You tell yourself it's for backup, but really 90% of the time that 'backup' is just something for your ego to hide behind.

Be merciless with your ego.

Take the pain.

Take it all.

Don't bitch, don't whine, don't complain. Be a fucking man. Take it.

You approach scary sets, impossible sets, easy sets and anything else that looks like it has a vagina.

You go to this website: www.eckharttolle.com

You buy ALL of his audio products.

You go to this website: www.apple.com

And you buy an iPod.

You put NO MUSIC on your iPod. You listen to Tolle relentlessly. Relentlessly.

Whenever you can, you listen to him. You fill your brain with his voice.

You get industrial about this. This is not self-help.

This is self-destruction.

You do this for two months.

Then you take a fortnight off.

Then you do it for two months.

Then you take a fortnight off.

You continue this process.

If you cannot do this because of your job, quit.

If you cannot do this because of your friends, ditch them.

If you cannot do this because of money concerns, drink water when you're out, go to bars with no cover charge and do it anyway.

Or kill someone and steal their wallet.

If you cannot do it because you are scared, face your fear and face it down.

Keep your method SIMPLE and YOURS.

You do not want to be THINKING. Steer clear of 'tactics' based game as you would steer clear of fucking a leper.

Check out RSD's wiki (www.rsdwiki.com) and read the instructor's articles.

Click this link and read the article it links to. http://www.rsdnation.com/showthread.php?t=11273

If you are looking for a product to buy, buy an RSD product. They are all awesome and all of them will help you massively.

If you can afford a bootcamp, take one. If not, just fucking go out and punch through that fucking wall with your bare fists.

Success is nothing more than pressure over time, so be relentless.

Never accept your excuses.

Push yourself way, WAY beyond your pain threshold.

Be savage with your training, and you will see extreme improvement.

And remember - if you give up on this you are resigning yourself to a life of mediocrity.

Which, to any right thinking man, is way, way worse than death.

Now get up.

Get up now.

Turn your fucking computer off and get up.

Get on your feet. Get out that door.

Whatever time of day or night it is, you get up. Now.

*hands you a rifle*

Get on your feet, soldier.

Don't you know there's a war on?